Today is a day of mixed emotions. I have been back at my parents for the week of Christmas and today I will be returning home. It is a bit of a shame as it is the first step to being back at work after Christmas. I have enjoyed spending time with my family and have also enjoyed very much the time that I have had to think about things and get started with this blog.
What's great the first thing I will do is see my boyfriend and then I can return to being me! The bizzare disparity in my life as known to my parents against my actual life makes some aspects of Christmas a struggle.
Although I have told my parents that I am gay it isn't a topic that is discussed at all. I have said before that I think they are hoping I'll recover, anyway, going home for me requires jumping back in the closet.
The most difficult part of this is that I have to kiss goodbye to my boyfriend on Christmas eve as we both go back home to our respective parents homes. The one time of year when you should have all of your loved ones together and we have to spend it apart. Seeing him over Christmas requires sneaking upstairs and logging on to msn.
To deal with this we usually have our own little Christmas on Christmas eve. For the last few years we have stayed at each others houses, given presents and then gone out for a meal. It is lovely and I was actually looking forward to that part more than the whole of the rest of it. I can't help though feeling a slight air of sadness at this time, that 4 years into a relationship we still have to do this. Thinking about it again serves as a reminder that I need to be stronger and try harder to sort things out with my parents. It just feels like a mamouth (if not impossible) task and no matter what I say or do I have no confidence that we would all be spending next Christmas together.
Raising my sexuality with my parents now would almost certainly ruin their Christmas. Thinking about this in the context of my post on Lying, this shows as a perfect example of how I hide things and lie, experiencing pain myself so that they don't have to face up to the issue. I do wonder though how much longer I can keep this up for.
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