Well it is new years eve and if I am going to post today it probably should be topical. Christmas / New Year serves as a good land mark in our lives and it is usually around now that I will start to think about what I want to achieve in the next year and look back on the year just past.
Doing this is usually depressing. As I looked at my personal life last year the things I wanted to have changed, hadn't. I was still only out to a handful of people, not able to spend time with my boyfriend at home and for the most part living a lie. The frustrating thing is that the blocking factor was only my own guts.
When I look back this year, I have of course not achieved everything I could have, but I have made some solid progress. Most importantly I am now completely out to my housemates. This has opened the door to a whole new (and much enhanced) life. My boyfriend is accepted and liked by them and he can come over and stay without having to pretend or sneak around the house like a burgler. It has also meant that we as a couple can spend time with other people and act in a normal and relax manner like any other couple does. This combined with him living so close by has taken our relationship to a whole new level of happiness.
My main ambition for next year is to spread this further and deal with some of the problems with my parents reaction to my sexuality. Although, I know that is going to be a lot lot harder.
Happy new year everyone!
Friday 31 December 2010
Thursday 30 December 2010
A reluctant but skilled lier - the double life.
Writing this blog is proving an excellent opportunity for me to look back at my own life and think about how I have been feeling, the decisions I have made and the things I have done. One thing that has struck me is what a skilled and competent lier I have become. I am shocked at how well I have done it but also at the huge amount of effort I have put into it over the last 10 years.
Although I am certain that we all do it, most people don't like to admit publicly to being a lier. Whether it is right or wrong to lie is somewhat open to debate. For example many would argue that it is right to lie about a poor meal at a dinner party or her bum not looking big in that frock. Equally many would argue that it is wrong to lie about things which will ultimately hurt or deceive others.
I guess whether it is right or wrong in any particular case depends largely upon its motives. In my case I have been lying to deliberately conceal my sexuality. Whether this is right or wrong I will leave you to judge for yourselves. Over the course of time I have lied to my family, my friends and my work colleagues to varying degrees in order to achieve this.
I told my parents I was gay many years ago, although you wouldn't believe it. They were devastated and either couldn't or wouldn't accept it. Their way of dealing with it was to cast it aside as a cry for help and close the matter. I tried to raise it several times after but the response was always the same. You've made a mistake, you'll ruin your life, we can't accept it, if you want our help it will be to help you fix it. Every discussion would end the same, it was pointless so I didn't mention it again and neither have they.
Now some 3 or 4 years on I have come out to many of my friends, have a stable boyfriend and am in the process of trying to build myself a bright future as a gay man. My parents, know nothing about it. I don't tell them, I can't tell them. If I raise the subject it causes them great pain and anguish. the agony on their faces is all too plain to see.
I live away from home, so you would think it is straightforward to keep a secret like this wouldn't you, actually it is extremely difficult. I spend a great deal of time with my boyfriend. We do things together every weekend, we go on holiday together and we want to move in together. If I can't tell my parents what I am actually doing what do I say when they ask me casual questions like "how was your weekend?" "who are you going on Holiday with?" The answer , I lie.
Over the course of time this gets harder and harder to do so you have to get better at it. If you are in the closet then unwittingly the lies start very young. From pretending to be interested in girls at school, to answering "no" if every asked or accused of being gay. The lies gradually start to change as time moves on as you start to investigate your sexuality, you'll need to cover your tracks. Lie about what you have been doing on the computer, lie about who you are talking too, lie about where you have been.
Of course the biggest lie is the things you don't say. If someone talks negatively about gay people you want to jump in an put them right, but don't. If a girl friend comments on a cute guy on tv you don't react but stay quiet or be actively disinterested, when of course you want to cry out - I KNOW!!
As time goes on and the thoughts and activities you need to conceal get bigger you end up developing bigger and bigger lies. Upon returning home after a holiday I have elaborated a story involving people who don't exist who I went with (as opposed to just my boyfriend). I weeded the pictures to remove pictures of him and us so that I can show them to family and made up fake events to add weight to my story. I have then sat their and performed the lie to them perfectly mixing reality with falsehood.
Although I am certain that we all do it, most people don't like to admit publicly to being a lier. Whether it is right or wrong to lie is somewhat open to debate. For example many would argue that it is right to lie about a poor meal at a dinner party or her bum not looking big in that frock. Equally many would argue that it is wrong to lie about things which will ultimately hurt or deceive others.
I guess whether it is right or wrong in any particular case depends largely upon its motives. In my case I have been lying to deliberately conceal my sexuality. Whether this is right or wrong I will leave you to judge for yourselves. Over the course of time I have lied to my family, my friends and my work colleagues to varying degrees in order to achieve this.
I told my parents I was gay many years ago, although you wouldn't believe it. They were devastated and either couldn't or wouldn't accept it. Their way of dealing with it was to cast it aside as a cry for help and close the matter. I tried to raise it several times after but the response was always the same. You've made a mistake, you'll ruin your life, we can't accept it, if you want our help it will be to help you fix it. Every discussion would end the same, it was pointless so I didn't mention it again and neither have they.
Now some 3 or 4 years on I have come out to many of my friends, have a stable boyfriend and am in the process of trying to build myself a bright future as a gay man. My parents, know nothing about it. I don't tell them, I can't tell them. If I raise the subject it causes them great pain and anguish. the agony on their faces is all too plain to see.
I live away from home, so you would think it is straightforward to keep a secret like this wouldn't you, actually it is extremely difficult. I spend a great deal of time with my boyfriend. We do things together every weekend, we go on holiday together and we want to move in together. If I can't tell my parents what I am actually doing what do I say when they ask me casual questions like "how was your weekend?" "who are you going on Holiday with?" The answer , I lie.
Over the course of time this gets harder and harder to do so you have to get better at it. If you are in the closet then unwittingly the lies start very young. From pretending to be interested in girls at school, to answering "no" if every asked or accused of being gay. The lies gradually start to change as time moves on as you start to investigate your sexuality, you'll need to cover your tracks. Lie about what you have been doing on the computer, lie about who you are talking too, lie about where you have been.
Of course the biggest lie is the things you don't say. If someone talks negatively about gay people you want to jump in an put them right, but don't. If a girl friend comments on a cute guy on tv you don't react but stay quiet or be actively disinterested, when of course you want to cry out - I KNOW!!
As time goes on and the thoughts and activities you need to conceal get bigger you end up developing bigger and bigger lies. Upon returning home after a holiday I have elaborated a story involving people who don't exist who I went with (as opposed to just my boyfriend). I weeded the pictures to remove pictures of him and us so that I can show them to family and made up fake events to add weight to my story. I have then sat their and performed the lie to them perfectly mixing reality with falsehood.
The result? My parents didn't worry about me when I went. They are delighted that I had a good time and appear to have a good bunch of (straight) friends. They don't have to face any pain about me and my homosexuality.
So lying is making everyone happy? No, not everyone. It doesn't make me happy, it makes me feel terrible. It makes me full of guilt that I am lying to people I love, but I can't stop. It makes me worry that one day when this does all come out they will realise I have been lying to them for years and that will make everything worse. But most of all it makes me feel terrible because I can't share my life, my experiences and the happiness that my boyfriend brings to my life with them.
I am the one that is suffering here, so that they can ignore it and don't have to. I am the one under pressure that I can't share with them. I am the one who is a lier, but the irony is I am doing it for them.
Part of me thinks that I am putting off the inevitable, another part of me thinks I am making it worse. But a third part of me thinks that it is better this way. By the time I have to broach the subject with them again I will be stronger myself. I will have established my life, and I will have the emotional support of my boyfriend. Maybe when I try again they will be able to see how I have people around me who already know and who care for me. Perhaps they will find it more difficult to cast the issue aside then, and I will be in a better position to help them through it than I have been whilst still on my own journey.
I haven't even gone in to the lying to friends, telling some friends but not others (and the complexities that creates) and the issues of trying to stay in the closet at work. All of these things take considerable effort and heartache, and I'll explore them in future posts. There is also the question - what is the point of all this? Well, I am sure many a gay man trying to come out of the closet asks himself the same thing - but he still does it.
Wednesday 29 December 2010
Being gay - Choices?
There is much debate, typically by people who know little on the subject, about whether being Gay is a choice. For those of us that are gay we of course already know that it isn't. There is also the nature or nurture debate, which is slightly more interesting, but in my own case definitely points to being nature. After all there is only a couple of years between me any my brother, we were both treated the same and as far as I know he isn't gay.
Despite the fact that being gay isn't a choice in itself, we of course have choices in how we choose to deal with it. If you read my last post Re writing the life plan you see the impact that realising I was gay had on my own image of my future self and my plans in life to achieve it. You'll also know that after finishing university I found myself lost and in need to make a choice about whether I carried on working towards my current future self image or I tore it up and re-wrote it.
I was supposed to be concentrating on my finals, but every hour spent not revising I seemed to be spending thinking out the future. Others were worrying about what job they would get, although I didn't have a job lined up, I wasn't worrying about that at all. I was worrying about what the point of my whole life was. What is the point of getting a great job if you can't picture what the other half of your life is going to look like?
In the back of my mind I knew that the only way to deal with this inner conflict was to write it down. I took an exercise book and wrote a series of entries describing my feelings. After a couple of days I wrote a draft letter to my parents explaining to them that I was gay, at the time of writing I had no intention of sending it. As the days past I read the letter again and again and thinking to myself that I could make progress in life if I sent it, so I did.
I don't want to document in detail what happened next, but it was a very disturbing time. My parents weren't angry with me they were completely devastated. My dad cried almost constantly for about two days, I have never seen him cry before. They repeated back to me all my own fears about the effect this would have on my future. They scared me with stories of loneliness, harassment, and rejection by friends, family and society at large. They are of course without question all of the things no one wants. The confirmation from those you love and respect that your life plan is ruined, and you will not achieve the acceptance and respect that everyone wishes to achieve is devastating.
They say, if you choose to come out you can't go back in. Wrong - that is exactly what I did. I made the choice not to change my life plan, to continue how I was. I was so busy at work and socially that I even managed to achieve that for another 3 years only occasionally returning to thoughts about what the future may hold. That was of course until I saw the chance to get a boyfriend - and took it!
Having a boyfriend when you are still in the closet is a great way to completely accept your homosexuality, although it can be quite difficult practically and emotionally at times as I will explain in future posts. Most importantly in this context it has forced me to think about the future as I want to develop our relationship. Now I am finally able to rewrite my life plan with him by my side. I am able to rewrite it into something which is different but equally happy and satisfying. This isn't something which you do consciously or overnight, it is something which happens over months or even years as you readjust your perspective of the world, meet new people and seek to find out what your opportunities in life are.
Despite the fact that being gay isn't a choice in itself, we of course have choices in how we choose to deal with it. If you read my last post Re writing the life plan you see the impact that realising I was gay had on my own image of my future self and my plans in life to achieve it. You'll also know that after finishing university I found myself lost and in need to make a choice about whether I carried on working towards my current future self image or I tore it up and re-wrote it.
I was supposed to be concentrating on my finals, but every hour spent not revising I seemed to be spending thinking out the future. Others were worrying about what job they would get, although I didn't have a job lined up, I wasn't worrying about that at all. I was worrying about what the point of my whole life was. What is the point of getting a great job if you can't picture what the other half of your life is going to look like?
In the back of my mind I knew that the only way to deal with this inner conflict was to write it down. I took an exercise book and wrote a series of entries describing my feelings. After a couple of days I wrote a draft letter to my parents explaining to them that I was gay, at the time of writing I had no intention of sending it. As the days past I read the letter again and again and thinking to myself that I could make progress in life if I sent it, so I did.
I don't want to document in detail what happened next, but it was a very disturbing time. My parents weren't angry with me they were completely devastated. My dad cried almost constantly for about two days, I have never seen him cry before. They repeated back to me all my own fears about the effect this would have on my future. They scared me with stories of loneliness, harassment, and rejection by friends, family and society at large. They are of course without question all of the things no one wants. The confirmation from those you love and respect that your life plan is ruined, and you will not achieve the acceptance and respect that everyone wishes to achieve is devastating.
They say, if you choose to come out you can't go back in. Wrong - that is exactly what I did. I made the choice not to change my life plan, to continue how I was. I was so busy at work and socially that I even managed to achieve that for another 3 years only occasionally returning to thoughts about what the future may hold. That was of course until I saw the chance to get a boyfriend - and took it!
Having a boyfriend when you are still in the closet is a great way to completely accept your homosexuality, although it can be quite difficult practically and emotionally at times as I will explain in future posts. Most importantly in this context it has forced me to think about the future as I want to develop our relationship. Now I am finally able to rewrite my life plan with him by my side. I am able to rewrite it into something which is different but equally happy and satisfying. This isn't something which you do consciously or overnight, it is something which happens over months or even years as you readjust your perspective of the world, meet new people and seek to find out what your opportunities in life are.
Re-writing the life plan
As scary and unknown as the future can be we do actually spend quite a lot of time thinking about it, especially when we are young. Ask any kid what they want to be when they grow up and they will have thought about it. Boys often say they want to be a truck driver or a fireman, girls a ballet dancer or a nurse. Where do these early choices come from?
They probably come in part from the toys we are given to play with, but also from what we have already learnt as kids about what we should be wanting when we are older. When a boy says he wants to be a fireman, he doesn't think about battling for air in a dangerous building or cutting a critically injured person out of a car. He is thinking about the social status and pride that the uniform and big red fire engine will earn him when he gets older. He is picturing himself grown up as someone he respects.
It is therefore not surprising that our choices at an early age tend to be gender specific. If we pick these then they will show admiration and pride in our parents. If we were to make choices in conflict with this then our parents would show concern. At a young age our parents views and opinions entirely shape our view of the world and so choosing something which concerns them would cause us to picture ourselves in the future in a role which was not respected or disliked by society. We wouldn't want to do that would we? I firmly believe that we all wish to be accepted and respected, if not by our parents then by friends, colleagues and piers who we come in to contact with over the course of our lives. As a result we shape and reshaped the image of the person we want to become to ensure that it earns this respect and acceptance.
As I got older I started to realise that I probably didn't want to be a bus driver. Although my dad thought it was great when I was 5, as I got older and learnt more about the world at school I realised that it didn't pay very much. If it didn't pay very much then I wouldn't be able to afford a nice house and a nice car. As material as these things are, ambitions centred on the ownership of such items were common in the playground. I started to think about careers that could earn me the money to buy these things, thus achieving the things which in my updated view of the world would earn me the respect and acceptance I wanted when I got older.
Naturally when we get older we also start to think about relationships, family and even kids of our own. These need to be slotted into the image of our future self. After all, although we probably never thought about it much when we were young we didn't intend on growing old alone.
This is the point where gradually discovering you are gay acts as a massive curve ball to your life plan. I carried on in life thinking about and working towards the future vision of myself without ever factoring in my homosexuality because I couldn't face the huge consequences this would have on it. It simply didn't / doesn't fit with the life I had been working toward, and in essence, above all other factors this is why it has taken me so long come to terms with it.
I found that at the age of 23, just finishing university I was completely lost. My education which had for so long been the perfect detraction, was now mainly over. I didn't know who I was and I couldn't properly plan for the future because I had discovered that my current life plan and image of my future self was unachievable, and I couldn't tolerate the consequences to it of factoring in my homosexuality.
This is the point in life where we really do have some choices and decisions to make, and I'll explore this in my next post. "Being gay - Choices?"
They probably come in part from the toys we are given to play with, but also from what we have already learnt as kids about what we should be wanting when we are older. When a boy says he wants to be a fireman, he doesn't think about battling for air in a dangerous building or cutting a critically injured person out of a car. He is thinking about the social status and pride that the uniform and big red fire engine will earn him when he gets older. He is picturing himself grown up as someone he respects.
It is therefore not surprising that our choices at an early age tend to be gender specific. If we pick these then they will show admiration and pride in our parents. If we were to make choices in conflict with this then our parents would show concern. At a young age our parents views and opinions entirely shape our view of the world and so choosing something which concerns them would cause us to picture ourselves in the future in a role which was not respected or disliked by society. We wouldn't want to do that would we? I firmly believe that we all wish to be accepted and respected, if not by our parents then by friends, colleagues and piers who we come in to contact with over the course of our lives. As a result we shape and reshaped the image of the person we want to become to ensure that it earns this respect and acceptance.
As I got older I started to realise that I probably didn't want to be a bus driver. Although my dad thought it was great when I was 5, as I got older and learnt more about the world at school I realised that it didn't pay very much. If it didn't pay very much then I wouldn't be able to afford a nice house and a nice car. As material as these things are, ambitions centred on the ownership of such items were common in the playground. I started to think about careers that could earn me the money to buy these things, thus achieving the things which in my updated view of the world would earn me the respect and acceptance I wanted when I got older.
Naturally when we get older we also start to think about relationships, family and even kids of our own. These need to be slotted into the image of our future self. After all, although we probably never thought about it much when we were young we didn't intend on growing old alone.
This is the point where gradually discovering you are gay acts as a massive curve ball to your life plan. I carried on in life thinking about and working towards the future vision of myself without ever factoring in my homosexuality because I couldn't face the huge consequences this would have on it. It simply didn't / doesn't fit with the life I had been working toward, and in essence, above all other factors this is why it has taken me so long come to terms with it.
I found that at the age of 23, just finishing university I was completely lost. My education which had for so long been the perfect detraction, was now mainly over. I didn't know who I was and I couldn't properly plan for the future because I had discovered that my current life plan and image of my future self was unachievable, and I couldn't tolerate the consequences to it of factoring in my homosexuality.
This is the point in life where we really do have some choices and decisions to make, and I'll explore this in my next post. "Being gay - Choices?"
In the beginning - at school
As I am sure many a gay person struggling with their sexuality has done, I have read quite a lot of articles, books and blog posts in which people describe their early homosexual feelings. Before people reach the point of realising they might be gay many describe feeling "different" to other kids. Although I can appreciate their meaning I don't think this accurately reflects my own feelings at the time. If I think back to being 12 or 13 I didn't feel any different to anyone else. The only thing that bothered me in relation to my sexuality was my total lack of understanding as to why the other boys were becoming more and more interested in girls!
At the time I simply dealt with this by joining in, thinking that at some point I would realise what all the fuss was about. Of course at this age no one has any real expectations of you in this area so it is easy to just brush things like this aside and let others get on with it. I never once thought about being gay, I just thought I wasn't interested. I would make sure that I occasionally done something to demonstrate that I was cool and one of the lads, such as kiss a girl or have a girlfriend for a week or too. Of course this was cold and emotionless. I didn't realise at the time but I was supposed to be trying to keep my hands off girls, not forcing myself to find opportunities to kiss one so that the other boys would think I was cool.
So there I am going about my young life, not interested in girls, saying the right things and occasionally doing the right things so that everyone would leave me a alone and I could lead the quiet life. My thoughts were consumed with School, playing on the computer and spending time with my family. My mind gave very little time to these concerns I had regarding my lack of interest in girls. Occasionally though, and no matter how hard I tried to stop it, it was starting to nag me about an interest in boys, although I didn't know it yet...
There were over 2000 kids in my secondary school and other than my small set of friends I had nothing to do with and little interest in any of them, except one. His name was Jake, he was taller than most of the other kids, slim, olive skinned and with longish black hair to his neck. I shared maths and PE with him, and for some reason unknown to me at the time I was fascinated by him. He sat just just in front of me and to the right in Maths and I would spend a great deal of time simply staring at him. I would admire his skin, his hairless arms and if he got up, his bum.
I'll never forget PE one day, we were all separated into groups of 3. Two of us had to carry the third across our shoulders 50 metres. I got paired with Jake and someone else who I don't remember. I went over to him and he offered me his right leg to pick up. As I touched it and began to lift it up I felt like never before. The feeling of him on my shoulder was amazing and I didn't want to put him down.
Despite enjoying this very much (so much so I am going giddy writing this), it was an event which caused me great emotional distress over the coming weeks and months. I'd discuss my fascination with him to myself over and over. Did this mean I was gay? Why do I keep looking at this guy? What is it about him? You must stop this right now I'd say to myself, but I never could.
As I progressed through my school and college years nothing much changed. I'd think about this as little as possible. I focused on my work, did the odd thing to throw people (and myself) off the scent, and as much as I tried not to I would look at the boys.
I don't know exactly when I accepted to myself I was gay, but it wasn't until at least the 3rd year of university some 6 or 7 years later. Considering the evidence was so overwhelming there I find it interesting that it took so long. Why it may have taken so long is something I will explore over the coming months. Also interestingly, once I did accept it I am still struggling to come to terms with its impact on my life another 6 years on. Why is that?
Mandatory first post
Of course this first post should be about why I have decided to write this blog in the first place. There are a few not particularly exciting reasons:
I then thought, No. If I want to write about something I have lots to say on, but have never spoken about and could actually help both me and someone else out there, then I should write about my struggles with being gay.
You see, for some being gay is easy but for many others, like myself, it is something they find very difficult to come to terms with. It is an aspect of you that is completely at odds with the values, beliefs and ideals which you have been brought up to aim for. Accepting it means not simply finding a boyfriend, it means completely rewriting the plan for your life that you have been working on and aiming towards since you were a small child. Then of course there is the process of surprising, shocking, upsetting and even disgusting those around you. Those who you love and care for, as you go about the process of coming out.
I am not going to be writing this blog as someone who has been through all of this and is now looking back on their past. This is all still very current and very real. I am out to some friends and not others, I have a boyfriend who is known by some and a secret to others, I am not out at work and my relationship with my parents is built on a fragile lie that I am not doing anything gay and will "fix" this problem. If you read my posts over the next couple of weeks you will of course find out more about all of this, and maybe you can liken some of it to your own personal experiences.
- I wanted to write a blog!
- It is the gap between Christmas and new year and I have time on my hands
- I have never really contributed anything to the internet, and want too
I then thought, No. If I want to write about something I have lots to say on, but have never spoken about and could actually help both me and someone else out there, then I should write about my struggles with being gay.
You see, for some being gay is easy but for many others, like myself, it is something they find very difficult to come to terms with. It is an aspect of you that is completely at odds with the values, beliefs and ideals which you have been brought up to aim for. Accepting it means not simply finding a boyfriend, it means completely rewriting the plan for your life that you have been working on and aiming towards since you were a small child. Then of course there is the process of surprising, shocking, upsetting and even disgusting those around you. Those who you love and care for, as you go about the process of coming out.
I am not going to be writing this blog as someone who has been through all of this and is now looking back on their past. This is all still very current and very real. I am out to some friends and not others, I have a boyfriend who is known by some and a secret to others, I am not out at work and my relationship with my parents is built on a fragile lie that I am not doing anything gay and will "fix" this problem. If you read my posts over the next couple of weeks you will of course find out more about all of this, and maybe you can liken some of it to your own personal experiences.
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