There is much debate, typically by people who know little on the subject, about whether being Gay is a choice. For those of us that are gay we of course already know that it isn't. There is also the nature or nurture debate, which is slightly more interesting, but in my own case definitely points to being nature. After all there is only a couple of years between me any my brother, we were both treated the same and as far as I know he isn't gay.
Despite the fact that being gay isn't a choice in itself, we of course have choices in how we choose to deal with it. If you read my last post Re writing the life plan you see the impact that realising I was gay had on my own image of my future self and my plans in life to achieve it. You'll also know that after finishing university I found myself lost and in need to make a choice about whether I carried on working towards my current future self image or I tore it up and re-wrote it.
I was supposed to be concentrating on my finals, but every hour spent not revising I seemed to be spending thinking out the future. Others were worrying about what job they would get, although I didn't have a job lined up, I wasn't worrying about that at all. I was worrying about what the point of my whole life was. What is the point of getting a great job if you can't picture what the other half of your life is going to look like?
In the back of my mind I knew that the only way to deal with this inner conflict was to write it down. I took an exercise book and wrote a series of entries describing my feelings. After a couple of days I wrote a draft letter to my parents explaining to them that I was gay, at the time of writing I had no intention of sending it. As the days past I read the letter again and again and thinking to myself that I could make progress in life if I sent it, so I did.
I don't want to document in detail what happened next, but it was a very disturbing time. My parents weren't angry with me they were completely devastated. My dad cried almost constantly for about two days, I have never seen him cry before. They repeated back to me all my own fears about the effect this would have on my future. They scared me with stories of loneliness, harassment, and rejection by friends, family and society at large. They are of course without question all of the things no one wants. The confirmation from those you love and respect that your life plan is ruined, and you will not achieve the acceptance and respect that everyone wishes to achieve is devastating.
They say, if you choose to come out you can't go back in. Wrong - that is exactly what I did. I made the choice not to change my life plan, to continue how I was. I was so busy at work and socially that I even managed to achieve that for another 3 years only occasionally returning to thoughts about what the future may hold. That was of course until I saw the chance to get a boyfriend - and took it!
Having a boyfriend when you are still in the closet is a great way to completely accept your homosexuality, although it can be quite difficult practically and emotionally at times as I will explain in future posts. Most importantly in this context it has forced me to think about the future as I want to develop our relationship. Now I am finally able to rewrite my life plan with him by my side. I am able to rewrite it into something which is different but equally happy and satisfying. This isn't something which you do consciously or overnight, it is something which happens over months or even years as you readjust your perspective of the world, meet new people and seek to find out what your opportunities in life are.
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