A reluctant but skilled lier - the double life.

Writing this blog is proving an excellent opportunity for me to look back at my own life and think about how I have been feeling, the decisions I have made and the things I have done. One thing that has struck me is what a skilled and competent lier I have become. I am shocked at how well I have done it but also at the huge amount of effort I have put into it over the last 10 years.

Although I am certain that we all do it, most people don't like to admit publicly to being a lier. Whether it is right or wrong to lie is somewhat open to debate. For example many would argue that it is right to lie about a poor meal at a dinner party or her bum not looking big in that frock. Equally many would argue that it is wrong to lie about things which will ultimately hurt or deceive others.

I guess whether it is right or wrong in any particular case depends largely upon its motives. In my case I have been lying to deliberately conceal my sexuality. Whether this is right or wrong I will leave you to judge for yourselves. Over the course of time I have lied to my family, my friends and my work colleagues to varying degrees in order to achieve this.

I told my parents I was gay many years ago, although you wouldn't believe it. They were devastated and either couldn't or wouldn't accept it. Their way of dealing with it was to cast it aside as a cry for help and close the matter. I tried to raise it several times after but the response was always the same. You've made a mistake, you'll ruin your life, we can't accept it, if you want our help it will be to help you fix it. Every discussion would end the same, it was pointless so I didn't mention it again and neither have they.

Now some 3 or 4 years on I have come out to many of my friends, have a stable boyfriend and am in the process of trying to build myself a bright future as a gay man. My parents, know nothing about it. I don't tell them, I can't tell them. If I raise the subject it causes them great pain and anguish. the agony on their faces is all too plain to see.

I live away from home, so you would think it is straightforward to keep a secret like this wouldn't you, actually it is extremely difficult. I spend a great deal of time with my boyfriend. We do things together every weekend, we go on holiday together and we want to move in together. If I can't tell my parents what I am actually doing what do I say when they ask me casual questions like "how was your weekend?" "who are you going on Holiday with?" The answer , I lie.

Over the course of time this gets harder and harder to do so you have to get better at it. If you are in the closet then unwittingly the lies start very young. From pretending to be interested in girls at school, to answering "no" if every asked or accused of being gay. The lies gradually start to change as time moves on as you start to investigate your sexuality, you'll need to cover your tracks. Lie about what you have been doing on the computer, lie about who you are talking too, lie about where you have been.

Of course the biggest lie is the things you don't say. If someone talks negatively about gay people you want to jump in an put them right, but don't. If a girl friend comments on a cute guy on tv you don't react but stay quiet or be actively disinterested, when of course you want to cry out - I KNOW!!

As time goes on and the thoughts and activities you need to conceal get bigger you end up developing bigger and bigger lies. Upon returning home after a holiday I have elaborated a story involving people who don't exist who I went with (as opposed to just my boyfriend). I weeded the pictures to remove pictures of him and us so that I can show them to family and made up fake events to add weight to my story. I have then sat their and performed the lie to them perfectly mixing reality with falsehood.

The result? My parents didn't worry about me when I went. They are delighted that I had a good time and appear to have a good bunch of (straight) friends. They don't have to face any pain about me and my homosexuality.

So lying is making everyone happy? No, not everyone. It doesn't make me happy, it makes me feel terrible. It makes me full of guilt that I am lying to people I love, but I can't stop. It makes me worry that one day when this does all come out they will realise I have been lying to them for years and that will make everything worse. But most of all it makes me feel terrible because I can't share my life, my experiences and the happiness that my boyfriend brings to my life with them.

I am the one that is suffering here, so that they can ignore it and don't have to. I am the one under pressure that I can't share with them. I am the one who is a lier, but the irony is I am doing it for them. 

Part of me thinks that I am putting off the inevitable, another part of me thinks I am making it worse. But a third part of me thinks that it is better this way. By the time I have to broach the subject with them again I will be stronger myself. I will have established my life, and I will have the emotional support of my boyfriend. Maybe when I try again they will be able to see how I have people around me who already know and who care for me. Perhaps they will find it more difficult to cast the issue aside then, and I will be in a better position to help them through it than I have been whilst still on my own journey.

I haven't even gone in to the lying to friends, telling some friends but not others (and the complexities that creates) and the issues of trying to stay in the closet at work. All of these things take considerable effort and heartache, and I'll explore them in future posts. There is also the question - what is the point of all this? Well, I am sure many a gay man trying to come out of the closet asks himself the same thing - but he still does it.