The gay support group

At the age of approximately 23 I had been living away from home for a couple of years for work. Work itself was going extremely well. I was well liked, had been promoted and my pay was shooting up too. I lived in a great house with my housemates and I was out every friday and saturday night with either housemates or friends from work. From the outside looking in everything was perfect.

The last few years had been a bit of whirlwind, finishing uni, moving away from home, finding new friends and establishing myself in a new job has left hardly any time to thing about the problems with my sexuality which had caused me such distress at the end of university. That isn't to say I didn't think about at all. I probably thought about it every day. That also doesn't mean I wasn't still noticing all the sexy guys around me. I just found myself busy enough to not let those desires and affect what I was doing.

After about 2 years at work no matter how busy it kept me it started to become the norm. As you get promoted through a company the role changes, but the amount of work you do in a day, the place you go and the difficulty you find it doesn't really change. Once my new life started to become routine there was once again time in my mind to start pondering and exploring my sexuality.

Typically I knew no one in my life who was openly gay, but even if I did I am not sure that would have helped much at that time in my life. I needed to go and explore my feelings in anonymity, so that if (by some bizarre turn of events) I was wrong about all of this no harm was done. I needed to meet other gay people who I didn't know and who didn't know me so that I could learn what they were like and see how I felt in an openly gay setting.

After some looking around on the internet I found a group called Outzone. They are a charity established for the support of gay people between the ages of 16 - 25. Their website was fresh and vibrant, and made it clear that they were a fun group set up to help people make friends in a safe environment.

On the day that I decided to go I was full of nerves and excitement and unfortunately guilt. Nerves because I didn't know what to expect, introducing yourself to an established group of strangers is difficult in any setting. Excitement because whether it went well or not I had finally found a way to explore this aspect of my life a little and move things forward. Guilt, probably because I felt I was doing something I shouldn't. I could feel the questioning eyes of my parents, I felt as if everyone I knew would disapprove of what I was doing. I was actually about to do something "gay" for the first time, and that meant I was looking at myself from a different perspective.

When I arrived.......

[Ahh - my train is just about to pull into Guildford, so I will have to leave it there for today. You'll have to wait until my next post, bye for now x]

Mandatory first post

Of course this first post should be about why I have decided to write this blog in the first place. There are a few not particularly exciting reasons:

1. I wanted to write a blog!
2. It is the gap between Christmas and new year and I have time on my hands
3. I have never really contributed anything to the internet, and want too

I then of course had the question that many a new blogger must go through, what shall I write about? I thought about writing about work, I do after all have lots of experience from there that I could try and share with the world. I then thought about computers, gadgets and technology. I read a lot about this stuff and have thoughts and opinions I could try to push on to people.

I then thought, No. If I want to write about something I have lots to say on, but have never spoken about and could actually help both me and someone else out there, then I should write about my struggles with being gay.

You see, for some being gay is easy but for many others, like myself, it is something they find very difficult to come to terms with. It is an aspect of you that is completely at odds with the values, beliefs and ideals which you have been brought up to aim for. Accepting it means not simply finding a boyfriend, it means completely rewriting the plan for your life that you have been working on and aiming towards since you were a small child. Then of course there is the process of surprising, shocking, upsetting and even disgusting those around you. Those who you love and care for, as you go about the process of coming out.

I am not going to be writing this blog as someone who has been through all of this and is now looking back on their past. This is all still very current and very real. I am out to some friends and not others, I have a boyfriend who is known by some and a secret to others, I am not out at work and my relationship with my parents is built on a fragile lie that I am not doing anything gay and will "fix" this problem. If you read my posts over the next couple of weeks you will of course find out more about all of this, and maybe you can liken some of it to your own personal experiences.