At the age of approximately 23 I had been living away from home for a couple of years for work. Work itself was going extremely well. I was well liked, had been promoted and my pay was shooting up too. I lived in a great house with my housemates and I was out every friday and saturday night with either housemates or friends from work. From the outside looking in everything was perfect.
The last few years had been a bit of whirlwind, finishing uni, moving away from home, finding new friends and establishing myself in a new job has left hardly any time to thing about the problems with my sexuality which had caused me such distress at the end of university. That isn't to say I didn't think about at all. I probably thought about it every day. That also doesn't mean I wasn't still noticing all the sexy guys around me. I just found myself busy enough to not let those desires and affect what I was doing.
After about 2 years at work no matter how busy it kept me it started to become the norm. As you get promoted through a company the role changes, but the amount of work you do in a day, the place you go and the difficulty you find it doesn't really change. Once my new life started to become routine there was once again time in my mind to start pondering and exploring my sexuality.
Typically I knew no one in my life who was openly gay, but even if I did I am not sure that would have helped much at that time in my life. I needed to go and explore my feelings in anonymity, so that if (by some bizarre turn of events) I was wrong about all of this no harm was done. I needed to meet other gay people who I didn't know and who didn't know me so that I could learn what they were like and see how I felt in an openly gay setting.
After some looking around on the internet I found a group called Outzone. They are a charity established for the support of gay people between the ages of 16 - 25. Their website was fresh and vibrant, and made it clear that they were a fun group set up to help people make friends in a safe environment.
On the day that I decided to go I was full of nerves and excitement and unfortunately guilt. Nerves because I didn't know what to expect, introducing yourself to an established group of strangers is difficult in any setting. Excitement because whether it went well or not I had finally found a way to explore this aspect of my life a little and move things forward. Guilt, probably because I felt I was doing something I shouldn't. I could feel the questioning eyes of my parents, I felt as if everyone I knew would disapprove of what I was doing. I was actually about to do something "gay" for the first time, and that meant I was looking at myself from a different perspective.
When I arrived.......
[Ahh - my train is just about to pull into Guildford, so I will have to leave it there for today. You'll have to wait until my next post, bye for now x]
Showing posts with label Gay. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Gay. Show all posts
Thursday, 6 January 2011
Thursday, 30 December 2010
A reluctant but skilled lier - the double life.
Writing this blog is proving an excellent opportunity for me to look back at my own life and think about how I have been feeling, the decisions I have made and the things I have done. One thing that has struck me is what a skilled and competent lier I have become. I am shocked at how well I have done it but also at the huge amount of effort I have put into it over the last 10 years.
Although I am certain that we all do it, most people don't like to admit publicly to being a lier. Whether it is right or wrong to lie is somewhat open to debate. For example many would argue that it is right to lie about a poor meal at a dinner party or her bum not looking big in that frock. Equally many would argue that it is wrong to lie about things which will ultimately hurt or deceive others.
I guess whether it is right or wrong in any particular case depends largely upon its motives. In my case I have been lying to deliberately conceal my sexuality. Whether this is right or wrong I will leave you to judge for yourselves. Over the course of time I have lied to my family, my friends and my work colleagues to varying degrees in order to achieve this.
I told my parents I was gay many years ago, although you wouldn't believe it. They were devastated and either couldn't or wouldn't accept it. Their way of dealing with it was to cast it aside as a cry for help and close the matter. I tried to raise it several times after but the response was always the same. You've made a mistake, you'll ruin your life, we can't accept it, if you want our help it will be to help you fix it. Every discussion would end the same, it was pointless so I didn't mention it again and neither have they.
Now some 3 or 4 years on I have come out to many of my friends, have a stable boyfriend and am in the process of trying to build myself a bright future as a gay man. My parents, know nothing about it. I don't tell them, I can't tell them. If I raise the subject it causes them great pain and anguish. the agony on their faces is all too plain to see.
I live away from home, so you would think it is straightforward to keep a secret like this wouldn't you, actually it is extremely difficult. I spend a great deal of time with my boyfriend. We do things together every weekend, we go on holiday together and we want to move in together. If I can't tell my parents what I am actually doing what do I say when they ask me casual questions like "how was your weekend?" "who are you going on Holiday with?" The answer , I lie.
Over the course of time this gets harder and harder to do so you have to get better at it. If you are in the closet then unwittingly the lies start very young. From pretending to be interested in girls at school, to answering "no" if every asked or accused of being gay. The lies gradually start to change as time moves on as you start to investigate your sexuality, you'll need to cover your tracks. Lie about what you have been doing on the computer, lie about who you are talking too, lie about where you have been.
Of course the biggest lie is the things you don't say. If someone talks negatively about gay people you want to jump in an put them right, but don't. If a girl friend comments on a cute guy on tv you don't react but stay quiet or be actively disinterested, when of course you want to cry out - I KNOW!!
As time goes on and the thoughts and activities you need to conceal get bigger you end up developing bigger and bigger lies. Upon returning home after a holiday I have elaborated a story involving people who don't exist who I went with (as opposed to just my boyfriend). I weeded the pictures to remove pictures of him and us so that I can show them to family and made up fake events to add weight to my story. I have then sat their and performed the lie to them perfectly mixing reality with falsehood.
Although I am certain that we all do it, most people don't like to admit publicly to being a lier. Whether it is right or wrong to lie is somewhat open to debate. For example many would argue that it is right to lie about a poor meal at a dinner party or her bum not looking big in that frock. Equally many would argue that it is wrong to lie about things which will ultimately hurt or deceive others.
I guess whether it is right or wrong in any particular case depends largely upon its motives. In my case I have been lying to deliberately conceal my sexuality. Whether this is right or wrong I will leave you to judge for yourselves. Over the course of time I have lied to my family, my friends and my work colleagues to varying degrees in order to achieve this.
I told my parents I was gay many years ago, although you wouldn't believe it. They were devastated and either couldn't or wouldn't accept it. Their way of dealing with it was to cast it aside as a cry for help and close the matter. I tried to raise it several times after but the response was always the same. You've made a mistake, you'll ruin your life, we can't accept it, if you want our help it will be to help you fix it. Every discussion would end the same, it was pointless so I didn't mention it again and neither have they.
Now some 3 or 4 years on I have come out to many of my friends, have a stable boyfriend and am in the process of trying to build myself a bright future as a gay man. My parents, know nothing about it. I don't tell them, I can't tell them. If I raise the subject it causes them great pain and anguish. the agony on their faces is all too plain to see.
I live away from home, so you would think it is straightforward to keep a secret like this wouldn't you, actually it is extremely difficult. I spend a great deal of time with my boyfriend. We do things together every weekend, we go on holiday together and we want to move in together. If I can't tell my parents what I am actually doing what do I say when they ask me casual questions like "how was your weekend?" "who are you going on Holiday with?" The answer , I lie.
Over the course of time this gets harder and harder to do so you have to get better at it. If you are in the closet then unwittingly the lies start very young. From pretending to be interested in girls at school, to answering "no" if every asked or accused of being gay. The lies gradually start to change as time moves on as you start to investigate your sexuality, you'll need to cover your tracks. Lie about what you have been doing on the computer, lie about who you are talking too, lie about where you have been.
Of course the biggest lie is the things you don't say. If someone talks negatively about gay people you want to jump in an put them right, but don't. If a girl friend comments on a cute guy on tv you don't react but stay quiet or be actively disinterested, when of course you want to cry out - I KNOW!!
As time goes on and the thoughts and activities you need to conceal get bigger you end up developing bigger and bigger lies. Upon returning home after a holiday I have elaborated a story involving people who don't exist who I went with (as opposed to just my boyfriend). I weeded the pictures to remove pictures of him and us so that I can show them to family and made up fake events to add weight to my story. I have then sat their and performed the lie to them perfectly mixing reality with falsehood.
The result? My parents didn't worry about me when I went. They are delighted that I had a good time and appear to have a good bunch of (straight) friends. They don't have to face any pain about me and my homosexuality.
So lying is making everyone happy? No, not everyone. It doesn't make me happy, it makes me feel terrible. It makes me full of guilt that I am lying to people I love, but I can't stop. It makes me worry that one day when this does all come out they will realise I have been lying to them for years and that will make everything worse. But most of all it makes me feel terrible because I can't share my life, my experiences and the happiness that my boyfriend brings to my life with them.
I am the one that is suffering here, so that they can ignore it and don't have to. I am the one under pressure that I can't share with them. I am the one who is a lier, but the irony is I am doing it for them.
Part of me thinks that I am putting off the inevitable, another part of me thinks I am making it worse. But a third part of me thinks that it is better this way. By the time I have to broach the subject with them again I will be stronger myself. I will have established my life, and I will have the emotional support of my boyfriend. Maybe when I try again they will be able to see how I have people around me who already know and who care for me. Perhaps they will find it more difficult to cast the issue aside then, and I will be in a better position to help them through it than I have been whilst still on my own journey.
I haven't even gone in to the lying to friends, telling some friends but not others (and the complexities that creates) and the issues of trying to stay in the closet at work. All of these things take considerable effort and heartache, and I'll explore them in future posts. There is also the question - what is the point of all this? Well, I am sure many a gay man trying to come out of the closet asks himself the same thing - but he still does it.
Wednesday, 29 December 2010
In the beginning - at school
As I am sure many a gay person struggling with their sexuality has done, I have read quite a lot of articles, books and blog posts in which people describe their early homosexual feelings. Before people reach the point of realising they might be gay many describe feeling "different" to other kids. Although I can appreciate their meaning I don't think this accurately reflects my own feelings at the time. If I think back to being 12 or 13 I didn't feel any different to anyone else. The only thing that bothered me in relation to my sexuality was my total lack of understanding as to why the other boys were becoming more and more interested in girls!
At the time I simply dealt with this by joining in, thinking that at some point I would realise what all the fuss was about. Of course at this age no one has any real expectations of you in this area so it is easy to just brush things like this aside and let others get on with it. I never once thought about being gay, I just thought I wasn't interested. I would make sure that I occasionally done something to demonstrate that I was cool and one of the lads, such as kiss a girl or have a girlfriend for a week or too. Of course this was cold and emotionless. I didn't realise at the time but I was supposed to be trying to keep my hands off girls, not forcing myself to find opportunities to kiss one so that the other boys would think I was cool.
So there I am going about my young life, not interested in girls, saying the right things and occasionally doing the right things so that everyone would leave me a alone and I could lead the quiet life. My thoughts were consumed with School, playing on the computer and spending time with my family. My mind gave very little time to these concerns I had regarding my lack of interest in girls. Occasionally though, and no matter how hard I tried to stop it, it was starting to nag me about an interest in boys, although I didn't know it yet...
There were over 2000 kids in my secondary school and other than my small set of friends I had nothing to do with and little interest in any of them, except one. His name was Jake, he was taller than most of the other kids, slim, olive skinned and with longish black hair to his neck. I shared maths and PE with him, and for some reason unknown to me at the time I was fascinated by him. He sat just just in front of me and to the right in Maths and I would spend a great deal of time simply staring at him. I would admire his skin, his hairless arms and if he got up, his bum.
I'll never forget PE one day, we were all separated into groups of 3. Two of us had to carry the third across our shoulders 50 metres. I got paired with Jake and someone else who I don't remember. I went over to him and he offered me his right leg to pick up. As I touched it and began to lift it up I felt like never before. The feeling of him on my shoulder was amazing and I didn't want to put him down.
Despite enjoying this very much (so much so I am going giddy writing this), it was an event which caused me great emotional distress over the coming weeks and months. I'd discuss my fascination with him to myself over and over. Did this mean I was gay? Why do I keep looking at this guy? What is it about him? You must stop this right now I'd say to myself, but I never could.
As I progressed through my school and college years nothing much changed. I'd think about this as little as possible. I focused on my work, did the odd thing to throw people (and myself) off the scent, and as much as I tried not to I would look at the boys.
I don't know exactly when I accepted to myself I was gay, but it wasn't until at least the 3rd year of university some 6 or 7 years later. Considering the evidence was so overwhelming there I find it interesting that it took so long. Why it may have taken so long is something I will explore over the coming months. Also interestingly, once I did accept it I am still struggling to come to terms with its impact on my life another 6 years on. Why is that?
Mandatory first post
Of course this first post should be about why I have decided to write this blog in the first place. There are a few not particularly exciting reasons:
I then thought, No. If I want to write about something I have lots to say on, but have never spoken about and could actually help both me and someone else out there, then I should write about my struggles with being gay.
You see, for some being gay is easy but for many others, like myself, it is something they find very difficult to come to terms with. It is an aspect of you that is completely at odds with the values, beliefs and ideals which you have been brought up to aim for. Accepting it means not simply finding a boyfriend, it means completely rewriting the plan for your life that you have been working on and aiming towards since you were a small child. Then of course there is the process of surprising, shocking, upsetting and even disgusting those around you. Those who you love and care for, as you go about the process of coming out.
I am not going to be writing this blog as someone who has been through all of this and is now looking back on their past. This is all still very current and very real. I am out to some friends and not others, I have a boyfriend who is known by some and a secret to others, I am not out at work and my relationship with my parents is built on a fragile lie that I am not doing anything gay and will "fix" this problem. If you read my posts over the next couple of weeks you will of course find out more about all of this, and maybe you can liken some of it to your own personal experiences.
- I wanted to write a blog!
- It is the gap between Christmas and new year and I have time on my hands
- I have never really contributed anything to the internet, and want too
I then thought, No. If I want to write about something I have lots to say on, but have never spoken about and could actually help both me and someone else out there, then I should write about my struggles with being gay.
You see, for some being gay is easy but for many others, like myself, it is something they find very difficult to come to terms with. It is an aspect of you that is completely at odds with the values, beliefs and ideals which you have been brought up to aim for. Accepting it means not simply finding a boyfriend, it means completely rewriting the plan for your life that you have been working on and aiming towards since you were a small child. Then of course there is the process of surprising, shocking, upsetting and even disgusting those around you. Those who you love and care for, as you go about the process of coming out.
I am not going to be writing this blog as someone who has been through all of this and is now looking back on their past. This is all still very current and very real. I am out to some friends and not others, I have a boyfriend who is known by some and a secret to others, I am not out at work and my relationship with my parents is built on a fragile lie that I am not doing anything gay and will "fix" this problem. If you read my posts over the next couple of weeks you will of course find out more about all of this, and maybe you can liken some of it to your own personal experiences.
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